


i don't know what i want anymore

by 316_frogs



Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Angels, Fallen Angels, Gen, God's A+ Parenting, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Post-Season/Series 04, Samael - Freeform, The Silver City (Lucifer TV)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-06
Updated: 2019-10-26
Packaged: 2020-10-10 23:37:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20536514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/316_frogs/pseuds/316_frogs
Summary: (and at this point i'm too afraid to ask)Old Testament God was vicious.New Testament God was forgiving.Who's to say this trend wouldn't continue?God tries to rehabilitate his once shining star. After all, imprisonment is intended to punish for the crime and reintroduce the felon back into society as a model citizen.Lucifer has finally served his sentence.





	1. Chapter 1

Lucifer was a stubborn kid. He knew what he wanted and he went for it no matter what. He wanted free will, he led a rebellion against god. Simple line of logic. Not an altogether bad plan either, except for the fact that god is almighty and all knowing. 

His whole dichotomy revolved around free will and desire. Knowing what you want and being able to pursue it. But, what if you didn't know what you wanted? 

All his life, Lucifer has known what he wants at any given time. He wanted free will, he rebelled against god. He wanted to have fun, he visited earth. He wanted to leave hell, he dug his heels into Las Angeles and stayed there. 

But now? Now, Lucifer doesn't know what he wants. He is, unusually content, something he doesn’t think he’s ever been before. Chloe knows and accepts him for who he is. Maze is still by his side. He finds purpose in his work. He has fun with his friends bringing criminals to justice. His mother has been dealt with. Cain is dead. His therapy is going quite well. Linda has even told him how proud of him she was last session! Amenadiel is amicable and he finally remembers why he enjoyed having siblings all those eons ago. 

Simply put, life is good for Lucifer right now. He doesn't have to have orgies to experience happiness anymore, he simply has to wake up. He has no want for anything because he has all he needs. He is happy, genuinely, truly joyous for the first time in his life.

And of course, that is when it all falls apart. 

...

It is just another day for the LAPD. 

This was the day that Lucifer's life fell apart. 

It started when Azrael walked into the precinct. She had a dorky human outfit on, but the strangest thing was her being there. She made her way to Lucifer but as soon as he saw her, he dropped the case file and accosted her, drawing the attention of Ella, peering from across the room. 

"Just what in the bloody hell are you here for? Who have you come for?" He demanded insistently, cornering her with a dogged intensity.

"Well, jeez, Luce, that’s no way to talk to your sister after so many years of not seeing her,” she replied casually, unimpressed and unconcerned. 

"Fine, I'm sorry. Are you happy, hmm? Now, Who Are You Here For?" At this he started to dart his gaze for possible dangers causing the angel of death to come personally.

"Wow, you really care. That was an actual apology! I’m proud of you, Sam!" As RayRay said the forbidden name with a cheerful grin, Lucifer flashed his ruby eyes and rose his haunches, preparing for a verbal smackdown.

Only for Ella to stride up, gaze concentrated on RayRay, giving Lucifer just enough time to backtrack before she turned her scrutiny on him as well.

"Lucifer, Ray-Ray, what is going on? How is, this happening?" She gestured wildly at the unbelievable scene before her.

"Ah, E-ella, heyyyyy. So, funny story, I’m not a ghost. I don’t really have time to get into it but this is my brother.”

"Ray-Ray is your sister?" Ella turned to Lucifer, incredulous. He turned back on the same beat:

“How in the world do you know Azrael?” Any answer was cut off by Azrael, looking apologetic.

"It’s complicated. Look, Ella, I’m really sorry but can we do this another time? I was sent here with a message for Luce and it's kinda urgent. I promise I’ll come back soon to explain." Ella spent a long hard moment staring at the bustling angel, finally accepting her statement with a firm point.

"You better. Both of you. And it better be good." She locked eyes with both of them, holding them to the promise before she swept off to her lab. Ray watched her leave with a forlorn expression as did Lucifer. He cleared his throat and addressed the subject at hand.

"Well, I suppose I’ll know soon enough, but don’t you dare take her yet.” He straightened his jacket and repoised himself in a more professional manner. “So, what’s this about an urgent message? From dear old dad I assume? Or do you have your own little death quests now?"

"You're not going to like this."

"When have I ever?" He asked looking at the ceiling pointedly.

"Can I just finish? I have a lot of other duties, you know."

"Right, of course, do carry on."

"So, Dad says you should come home soon."

“And by that, you mean…?”

“You know what he means.”

"He does know this is my home now, good old Los Angeles, city of angels?"

“Lucifer…”

“So my question is: how can I return home, if I’m already home?”

"Always with the questions. Really, Lucifer? I’m just a messenger."

“But not The Messenger, no? Why you instead of Gabriel or another little slave?”

“You like me more.”

"Debatable. And how soon is soon?"

“I don’t know, man. Again, I just know what he told me to tell you.”

“Do you know anything? Like perhaps, why?” He was starting to become frustrated. 

"No, but it is not our place to question him,” she sighed, but then leaned in close, whispering conspiratorially, “Though the rumor mill says it’s because you’ve been rehabilitated. That you’re forgiven Luce!"

"I'm what now? Rehabilitated my arse! What does a devil have to do to deliver a proper ‘fuck you’ to God?"

"Just from what I’ve seen today I can tell that you’ve become a better person. You can’t deny that you haven’t atoned for your crimes. You should be happy!"

"I'm happy here with my life on earth! Why must he try to control every aspect of my being?!"

"You know free will was never something meant for angels, fallen or otherwise."

"Well, fuck God and fuck you too. You can go ahead and return to the Silver City on the hill and deliver the happy news. I'm staying right here in Los Angeles and God can shove a beehive up his own arse for all I care."

"I will relay the message, but I warn you brother, the next messenger will not be so kind."

"Please, bring them on."

"When I volunteered, I saw that Michael was itching to come. You'd best be careful, brother. Get your affairs in order. I don't want an abrupt leaving hurting Ella."

"Point well taken. But just how do you know Ella again?"

"We all rebel in our own ways, Luce. You were just dumb enough to make it a spectacle." And with that, her wings unfurled and she took off into the next plane. 

He watched the ceiling for a moment longer before weighing his options. 

\---

“Samael”

“Ah, hello Michael. Bloody good morning to you too.” He curtsied with his bathrobe and martini in hand. “What can I do for you, unwelcome intruder?”

Michael looked with disdain upon the mess that was his brother. 

“I trust Azrael relayed the message.”

“Oh, quite well. Did she relay mine? With all the ‘fuck you’s and all?”

“She did.”

“Oh, lovely! And just how did the old fart take that?”

“He sent me, which should be message enough.”

“Shame, I was hoping to see Gabriel or one of my non-douchier brothers. Okay, well message received. Good job, Michael! You can go now.” He clapped his hands in mock applause.

“Excuse me for not entirely believing you, but I won’t be leaving this plane until you return with me.” Lucifer swirled his glass eyeing the sword attached the Michael’s side glinting in the rising sun. 

“Always with you and the orders. Please, don’t make yourself comfortable. You’ll be here for quite a while as I have no intention of returning to the Silver City or Hell for that matter, whichever Dad meant was home.” Michael’s hard gaze softened.

“Samael, you are free to return home, after eons of being banished and forced away to Hell.”

“And who put me there?”

“That’s not fair, Samael. That was your punishment for your crimes.”

“None of you visited me once. Except Amenadiel, only to put me back there again.”

“Sam-”

“Stop calling me that! You know bloody well that’s not my name!”

“Samael is your name given to by God and I will use it as such. To use that name is to acknowledge your power over God’s.”

“He’s really got you trained well, hasn’t he? Been a good dog for daddy? Deepthroat the boot lately?”

“Now you listen here. Father has been extremely merciful in lifting his sentencing to give you another chance and you should be grateful.”

“Why should I? I don’t trust a single thing he does. It’s all just more manipulations. I enjoy having free will and I will not go back there to have it stripped of me again!”

“I don’t know where you got this notion of free will or why you’re so hung up on it. You’re not a human, Sam. You don’t belong here.”

“Fuck you! I’m happy here. Why can’t you leave me alone?”

“We’re your family, Samael. You’re God’s son and my brother, whether you like it or not. You are our responsibility.”

“I can bloody well take care of myself, thank you very much. I haven’t even been causing chaos or hurting many humans this time around.”

“Yes, but you’re hurting yourself. This is unsustainable and cannot continue.”

“Oh, please. I get enough of this at Doctor Linda’s.”

“So, you see a therapist but refuse to acknowledge you have a problem?”

“Not to you I don’t. Enough of this, Michael, why are you really here?”

“To fulfill Father’s orders and bring you home.”

“Hmmm, nope. Doesn’t sound like him. Maybe it was another overbearing prick?”

“I am not privy to the inner machinations of the Almighty. Uriel has taught me not to imagine them either. You would do well not to mock him.”

“So he knows about Uriel and still wants me to come to the Silver City?”

“To home. And yes, everyone knows.”

“Well, that’s a bit anticlimactic. But as you know, the Silver City has not and will not ever be my home.”

“We’ll see about that.” Michael unfurled his wings and took off, not leaving the plane, but giving Lucifer just enough room to cool down in solitude whilst still being tracked. 

\---


	2. Perspective

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> God's perspective, Ella confronts Lucifer, Michael taunts Lucifer, Lucifer has therapy. Lucifer is str8 up not having a good time rn

It’s a simple logic really. When someone does something, there are consequences corresponding to the action. A good deed gets rewarded as an evil one gets punished. The severity of the punishment is directly related to the severity of the action. 

It’s somewhat like training a dog. You give a treat for good behavior and discipline it for bad behavior to encourage the right actions.

However, the offender doesn’t magically just die and become reborn as a new person. Often, the punishment is not tailored to the person and crime, never addressing the cause for the behaviour. Making it easy for the offender to slip back into bad habits and get punished again without acknowledging why they return to such behavior. It’s a vicious cycle. 

God had been thinking back on his policies concerning Samael as of late. Normally, he wouldn’t put much thought into any fault he might have in dealing with his son. However with Samael being on Earth, casually cursing his name and being generally sinful, he had to wonder where he went wrong. 

In observing Earth, seeing humans exercise their freewill, he saw prisons in some of the colder countries, far too comfortable for what should be a punishment. But as he observed, it seemed intended to rehabilitate the criminals. To reintroduce them into society. Which made sense, he supposed, humans didn’t have an alternate realm to throw an infinite number of felons into. The incarcerated had to go somewhere after their sentence was up, so it was in the best interest of society to rehabilitate them.

That was another odd concept humans had that God was slowly getting used to: a sentence time. God had been so angry with Samael that he had never set a time for the punishment to be over, considering his son irredeemable forever. But seeing Samael with his humans in LA proved that wrong, didn’t it? 

Initially he had sent Amenadiel after Samael to drag him back to his prison. His first son obviously failed, which was in turn disappointing, but allowed him to really see what changes were occurring in his son. Within just four years with these humans, his son had rehabilitated and recovered more than he had in literal eons. It was simply incredible. While he had placed Chloe in Samael’s way to test the rehabilitation theory, he didn’t expect it to actually work, let alone so efficiently. 

So it goes to stand that if rehabilitation worked so well on Earth with people not directly involved in the original issue, then it is likely that it would work even better if it occured in a controlled setting dealing with the original issue. Really, it was amazing Samael improved at all, projecting his issues on all his cases. Perhaps he simply needed to face his issues head on. Directly had to be better than indirectly. 

Not to mention that humans had their own host of vices and problems that Samael could adopt, further delaying his recovery. Ever since Samael had been on Earth, he had mutilated himself far too many times for God’s comfort. And his self image kept shifting with the ‘devil face’ and his wings, proving very unstable identity and being unsure of his choices. Easy to manipulate, to crush and rebuild. This was a crucial time in Samael’s development and God would not let someone else ruin his possessions. 

Nevertheless, Samael had proven he could improve. That he could rejoin his family and retake his place by God’s side as his brightest light. That he wasn’t forever broken. That he could serve God again. 

Then it was decided. God would continue the rehabilitation in Heaven. When an addict goes into rehab, you don’t keep them surrounded by their vices and expect them to get better. And what place is more removed from sin and rebellious attitudes than Heaven? Surely, Samael will improve. And if God manages to recover him, Samael’s loyalty will be more sure than ever. 

(As much as he ached to hold and love his son once more, he wanted the capable and crafty leader and weapon Samael had become. His son and his soldier, both as his property. Like a toy cast once tossed aside after breaking being picked up long after to be repaired and used.)

* * *

“You wanna tell me why Ray-Ray was here and is real, apparently??”

“Not particularly, no.” Lucifer turned, taking a sip of his coffee. “Ta, then.”

“Lucifer Morningstar, I know you’re not walking away from me!” Ah, she sounded mad. Lucifer pivoted back.

“Of course not, darling. What did you need, fashion advice? Lose the sneakers and try some flats, doll.” She spluttered.

“You know what I’m talking about!” She shouted, drawing attention from the others in the precinct. She stage whispered a sorry and returned to her quieter-now reprimand. “Explain Ray-Ray! Where is she anyways?”

“Well, I really don’t know what you expect me to say! I’m not her keeper. I don’t know what’s gone on between the two of you, but you really should avoid her in the future. Say, don’t you owe me an explanation? How do you know my sister?”

“I thought she was my imaginary friend, who might have been a ghost, okay?! Geez, Luce. Wait. Why avoid her?” Her eyes narrowed in suspicion.

“Let’s just say, she is worse omen than probably even me. When she showed up, did anything significant happen? Like a near death experience perhaps, hmm?”

“Uh, yeah actually. How did you know? I got into a really bad car crash and Ray-Ray was started showing up afterwards. But nobody could see her, how’s that possible?”

“Dear Dad, Ella, how can you be so smart yet so thick? I’ve only said her name about a dozen times! My sister is Azrael, the angel of death, bearer of bad omens, et cetera.”

“Hold on, she can’t be the actual angel of death.”

“Why the bloody not? You’re a die-hard Christian aren’t you? Is it really so hard to believe I’m telling the truth?” Ella softened.

“No, Luce. It’s not like that. I just…,” she trailed off and sighed. “Look, I get that you’re super into this acting gig but that doesn’t explain my imaginary friend being real and your sister!”

Lucifer just stared at his in amazement and disbelief, stuffing down a dash of hurt. A friend of three years, one of his closest friends, still didn’t believe a word he says. Wow, time Not to think about that. 

Thankfully, his phone rang. Ah, the detective, a perfect distraction.

“Well, you can’t say I didn’t try.” With that, he answered the phone and headed off to this next case. A kidnapping turned murder of sorts.

* * *

“I’d heard you’d been projecting your issues on cases and resolving it that way, but it’s truly incredible to see it in action,” Michael commented as Lucifer waltzed into the apartment. Lucifer paused in bewilderment. 

“Have you been trailing me all day?” Michael raised an eyebrow.

“You didn’t notice? Getting sloppy, brother. Don’t worry, I can retrain you in the Silver City.” Lucifer covered his flinch with a growl.

“How many bloody times do I have to say it?! I am not going back to that cesspool!!” Lucifer marched over to the bar, pouring a jerky scotch.

“And yet, God’s orders are inevitable.” Lucifer took a shot.

“Sometimes I think you forget who you’re talking to. I mean, really, if there’s anyone in the universe who doesn’t obey God, it’s me.”

“Oh, brother, how you contradict yourself day after day. You’re so lost. I think I see now why God wants you home.” Lucifer bristled, eyes flashing red. 

“I am home. Fuck. You.” Michael tutted at the language.

“Now, now brother. You know as well as I do it’s only a matter of time. Better go willingly before you’re dragged off.”

“Get. Out.” Lucifer gestured towards the door emphatically, demon face up like a pufferfish trying to seem intimidating. Michael began moving towards the elevator, hands placating.

“Just remember, God is absolute and you still belong to him, Samael.” Lucifer flung the scotch glass at Michael, who spread his wings and took off once more, dodging in time. The glass shattered, scotch wetting his wall. 

Lucifer glared at where Michael had been before slumping against the bar, running a hand through his hair. It wasn’t like he didn’t know the weight behind Michael’s words, who issued them. He just didn’t want to deal with it. Why now, of all times? Not the first few decades he had spent desperately wishing he could be taken back and redeemed while the world pushed him down into an evil box. He was irredeemable then, why the fuck would it change now? 

Why must God do everything to counteract his happiness? Was he made just to suffer? Why did Father make him like this? It wasn’t his fault!

It hurt. It hurt so daddamn bad. He could either kneel to his father and whatever tortures awaited him up there, abandoning Earth and Hell, likely for good. Not to mention, Lucifer was afraid of what would happen if he was under his father’s thumb directly. He wasn’t a fool. He knew God wanted Samael back, not Lucifer. His personality would be fully obliterated.

Or he could resist. But depending on how determined God was, that could mean an all out war, just over him. He couldn’t risk his friends’ lives just for himself. He wasn’t that selfish anymore, no matter how he wished he could be.

There always was a chance God could change his mind, but once he had his mind set on something, his will was like a slow moving mountain. Impossible to dispute and fight effectively, especially by one’s self. 

He had no real options. What could he even do?

“Fuck…” He whispered, before silence overtook the once again quiet apartment, far too large to be this empty. His brain wasn’t processing anything anymore. He could feel the gears grinding to a halt, the static on the TV. There was so much going on, his mind went blank, overwhelmed. He had no idea what to think, much less do.

* * *

“Lucifer? What happened? Last time I saw you, you were doing so much better.” Linda was starting to get worried. She had seen almost every side of Lucifer but this despondent side of Lucifer only came out when things got real bad. 

“Lucifer?”

“Hmm, yes, doctor?” She sighed.

“Okay, what’s going on? Where are you today?”

“I do apologize. Dear old Dad has decided to ruin my life yet again. I think he’s going for the world record for douchiest father.” There was that usual talkative humor cover up for much more serious issues.

“What’s he done now?”

“He sent Azrael and Michael (Michael! That bastard of a brother) to tell me to come to Heaven like a good little boy.” Linda blinked, that, that couldn’t be real. Right??

“God. So God wants you, the Devil, to return to heaven. Okay, that’s a new chapter of the Bible. Why?”

“Well, I don’t know. Some bollocks about rehabilitation. Does it matter? He wants me back one way or another.”

“And how does that make you feel?”

“Shitty, doctor, very shitty. He wants me back now? Not when I begged to come back? No, only when I truly start to feel happy where I am!”

“I’m so sorry, Lucifer. It’s not right that he’s trying to rip you away from your home.”

“Oh he’s not just trying. Doctor, I’m at the end of my wits. I really don’t know how I can get out of this one.” That was new. Lucifer had never been this hopeless, this defeated. It was honestly depressing and scary. 

“Have you tried talking to him? Or maybe waiting it out in Hell?”

“Talking won’t work. It never does. Not with him. And I can’t leave this realm because Michael is watching me like a damn hawk! He’s probably around here anyways.” Lucifer looked around suspiciously. Linda decided not to mention that the coat hanger shook for a moment behind Lucifer. Exacerbating his paranoia would not be beneficial right now.

“Lucifer, this is a sucky situation. But you’re so strong and creative. I know you’ll find a solution in time.” Lucifer leaned back and sighed.

“I sincerely hope you’re right, Doctor.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fair warning, I am atheist so like,, yeah everything is based off of fanon and canon not the bible or anything.  
Please leave kudos, subscribe, book mark, and review, review, review!! I love reading comments!!


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